Monday, June 14, 2010

In Pursuit of Staying Home

I have a dream, a passion if you will. I want to stay at home with my children. To be able to get up and have breakfast ready for them, to spend time with them and take them out to places where they can learn all kinds of things, to be able to help them as they grow and not fear that they spend more time with a caregiver than with their own mom. In essence and in total, I want to be a stay at home mom/wife. This is something I simply long for.

I currently work an 8-5 day job, Monday to Friday, weekends and holidays off. I am a Technical Support Specialist for a company in Edmonton, they are known all over North America. I enjoy the work, the people and atmosphere… but something isn’t right with it, and I have been struggling for the past 4 months with these feelings.

Just some background information, I should tell you a bit more of myself in detail. I am 24 years old. I was born and raised in a small community, roughly an hour from Edmonton. I went to elementary school until the end of grade 5. Grade 6 was the first year my mom began to home school my brother and I. You see, at the end of grade 5, I had trouble reading. I didn’t know what vowels sounded like, what a long “a” was compared to a short “a”. I didn’t have many friends, was a loner I suppose. I did try to fit in with the kids, but somehow my friends would end up back-stabbing me. Grade 4 was a memorable year for that. My brother was worse off. He was literally failing, but the teachers kept passing him each grade. My mom was on the parent counsel during our last year, that was her first year being a stay at home mom/wife too. By the end of that year, she had the principal quit, but it wasn’t enough for what my brother and I were going through.

I think back on all those years I was home schooled. I was home schooled right up until graduation, and even after, I took grade 12 again just because I simply could! It wasn’t easy. I remember my brother and I often talking and wishing we were back in school, that we would have a high school dance, have friends to hang out with. But now, nearly 6 years later, I wish I took advantage of it all. I have not been influenced by my peers like those have in junior and senior high, granted I’m sure begin subjected to them could have shown me a lesson or two. But in thinking about it, I am so glad I was not in that type of atmosphere, it has given me an outlook that I know I wouldn’t have had I continued through the public school system.

In what I learned from home schooling, it wasn’t just about completing assignments and work, it was also meant to learn new things, by means I wouldn’t be able to, had I stayed in a public school. I volunteered for many things, thank my mom for that. And I learned so much from it. It even opened doors to opportunities such as singing in the 2001 IAAF Games in Edmonton. Being home schooled wasn’t just a classroom experience, it was a life experience.

I have two boys now. My oldest just turned 4 two days ago. He could start preschool this year. Next year it will be kindergarten. Graham and I are also expecting a third addition to our family at the end of this year. An event we are really looking forward to, but knowing me, I’m scared. Reason: Because now more than ever, do I not want to be in a working position. Sure, one reason is because of finances, we simply won’t be able to afford childcare for three children by the time I have to go back to work. But for me it is more than that, something so hard to put into words.

I have decided that I want to start keeping track of my journey to one day being a stay-at-home mom and wife. It is a dream, a passion which is ever so much growing. It will be an experience of ups and downs in my daily life, what my thoughts are, what I wish and long for. It will go into some philosophy and spirituality I am sure, for that is simply who I am. But for the most part, this is my journey, my pursuit in staying home.

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